How To Be A German

I recently read a funny article about How to be a German in 20 easy steps, and I laughed... and I laughed some more. Read part 2 and part 3 for even more laughs. There are actually 25 steps now and they say there are more coming. The author of the blog, one hipster named Adam Fletcher, asks if there is anything he has forgotten. Having spent the last 10 months in Germany I have picked up a few things that aren't on the list that I think you need to do, or be, or complete to fully immerse yourself in Germanyness (yes, Germanyness is a real word). In no order of importance here is my list-


1. Wear a scarf. Every day. Everywhere.  When we got to Germany I realized that I was not alone in my love of the scarf. Women wore them around their necks, around their pony-tails, around their waists. And stop right now if you think the scarf is reserved for merely neck warming and cold weather. The scarf is seen adorning the necks of women even in 90F°/32C° weather. It would seem German women have shy collarbones because you never, ever see them. And wait! It gets better. The scarf crosses gender boundaries! Back in the States, male scarf wearing was confined to heavy-wool-coat ensembles and they were always dark in color and lacking fringe. Not here. German men let their freak flag fly with scarves draped around their necks. My favorite "German outfit" which can be seen on the 18-25 year old male German is cut-off shorts, tank top, and then a very "fringey" scarf  loosely draped around those sacred collar bones which must be hidden from view.


2. Have a garden. Germans love their flowers. Flower and bush nurseries dot the outskirts of villages. Hours and hours are spent obtaining a perfection that seems to border on obsessive compulsive. Ask an American who has lived in Germany if they have ever seen a German sweep their dirt in their yard. Not sweep the dirt from the yard, but actually sweep the dirt so it gets all nice and smooth and even. And just because you live in an apartment is no reason why you can't do your part to beautify Germany. In these same village outskirts you will see parcels of land with little shacks on them and beautifully maintained gardens. At first I thought they were the shanty towns of Germany. No, these are the city dweller weekend gardens where they escape to have the opportunity to plunge trowel into German soil.




3. Love dogs. Their owners on the other hand? Not so much. Germany has to be one of the most dog friendly cultures I have ever lived in. Your dog can join you in the mall. There is nothing like shopping at Karstadt and have the woof of a Labrador Retriever echo out in the stores. You can take your little doggy with you into restaurants too. If you have a cute and good dog, most Germans will approach your dog and rub their head and lavish praise upon the dog. I will never forget when I had two German repairmen in my apartment who were looking at me with thinly veiled contempt. My dog Minkie bounded into the room and started licking their hands (traitor dog). They changed in an instant into happy and friendly people. "Du bist ein gut Hund!" Or you are a good dog. They scratched her, loved her, let her lick their faces, and practically rolled around on the floor with her for about five minutes before I had to break it up. As soon as Minkie left, thinly veiled contempt was back.


4. Don't care about other peoples problems. Many a time I have heard the wail of people here, American and German alike, about the lack of customer service. I am not saying that Germans don't care about people, like if you were on fire they would probably put you out. But let us say something broke and you are trying to return it to the store, or a shop is closing right as you need to run in just to grab some milk and could they please just let you in for just a second. Good luck.

5. Go out to eat and stay the whole night. To go out to a popular restaurant in Germany you are probably going to need your table to be reserviert, or reserved. There really is no need to put a time down because the table is basically yours the whole night. Want to eat at 9:00 at night? No problem because your table is reserviert and you can show up whenever you want. Or do you want to go early, and then never leave? You can do that too. In fact, that is mostly what we see. Matt and I went out to dinner at a cute little restaurant in the next town over. After eating and enjoying our drinks we looked at all the other patrons. Just as we were getting ready to leave, they were ordering after dinner drinks and talking and laughing and looking like they were just settling in after being there for almost three hours. Going out to dinner isn't something you fit in between weekend activities here. It is the weekend activity.


6. Never wash your car on Sunday. But somehow, always have a clean car. There is a law in Germany that makes Sunday car washing illegal. And through word of mouth I have heard that if you decide to bend the rules (break the law actually) and try to wash your car, the public shame is right up there with crossing the street on a red or dissing sauerkraut. You just don't do it. About 95% of Germany drives a black or dark grey Volkswagen, Audi, BMW, or Mercedes. And they always look clean. As in right off the show room floor clean. How do they do it? You know what my German/American husband would say? Something about the superiority of German engineering, even their dirt and how they have designed it not to stick to cars. Where can I get some of this non-sticking dirt because my car is always filthy.

7. Complain about the graffiti. But claim that it was all done by immigrants.













8. Go to the grocery store every day. And then the bakery. And then produce stand. And then the butcher. A typical German kitchen and refrigerator are quite small by American standards so there is no "stocking up" on items. You buy what you need for that day, maybe a little for the next and then that's it. And you go back tomorrow.











9. Claim to speak only a little English. And then proceed to speak in better English than the native English speaker who asked you. Germany has high rates of people who fluently speak English as a second language. And they speak it well. I have met some Germans who I have known spoke pretty good English in the past, yet they refuse to speak to me because they might be a little rusty. I told them that I could guarantee them that their English was gazillion times better than my German, so come on! Let that English fly! One girl claimed that she never really learned and then in a heated discussion she piped in and I pointed at her, "Ah-ha! You do speak English!" 

10. Celebrate every holiday by not going to work. And then also celebrate the day after too. And maybe even the day before. We are wrapping up the spring holidays in Germany right now that center around Christ. Easter, Ascension, Pentecost. And also May Day (German Labor Day), Muttertag, and Vatertag (German Mother's Day and Father's Day). It seems these people hardly work. Germany is a place of industry and I know things get done around here. But with the number of days people get off, it amazes me. And they don't take one day, they take like three. And everything shuts down. I guess they really are the model for efficiency with the amount of things they get done in the amount of time they work. The holidays make for nice driving though. The streets are empty.

11. Drive really well. Germans are known for their love of their cars. And for a place to really get out and drive those cars, the Autobahn. But you can't just drive around Germany like any 16-year-old-freshly-minted bonehead. You had better know your stuff, as in you had better know the rules. Like every other car when merging. Like use your blinker every time. Like get out of the left lane for passing cars. I actually really love driving here because people don't mess around. I feel a lot safer here going 160 km (100 mph) on the autobahn than I did back in the States with all those other idiots doing 65 mph. 







12. Wear only black. And for just a little variety dark blue jeans, grey, and brown. And for when you are feeling a little crazy... wait for it... Tan! Build your very limited but very expensive wardrobe around these colors and you will blend right into the German population. And to look even more German, have a slightly annoyed look on your face. Unless you are sitting all night at your favorite restaurant or petting a dog.










There is my list of How To Be A German. And in only 12 steps! Have I forgotten anything?

Tchüß,

Kelly*

*Is secretly really pleased when mistaken for a real German and not the poser impostor she feels like most of the time. 

Autobahn Or An Auto Yawn

Ah, the Autobahn. The German highway system is truly a wonderful thing here. And not just for it's speed limits, but because it is one of the few highway systems in Europe that you don't have to pay exorbitant tolls on. A few friends back home ask often about driving here and if I will let them borrow my car when they come. But there is something I need them to know. Driving on the autobahn isn't all fun and unlimited speed. There are many things that make it un-fun. There are speed limits. There are rules. There is construction.

And there is this. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to our good friend, the Stau. Stau is German for traffic jam and is one word that seems to have migrated over from German to English among the ex-pats I know (pronounced sht-ow, rhymes with how). Nobody uses traffic jam, or back-up anymore. It's a Stau. When I had to take my German driving test, I couldn't remember all the words so I used word association. For me, stuck seemed to go with Stau. When you're in a Stau, you are sh-tuck.

Exits on the Autobahn are further apart than exits on the freeway system in the States. They can be kilometers apart so if you are in a Stau, there is no jumping off at the next exit and taking surface streets. You're stuck in the Stau for the long haul.

There are also things like this. A Lärmschutz is an area of the autobahn where a speed limit is enforced for noise protection. Cars going 200 kmh can get pretty noisy. This speed protection area is near my home and is the section of the autobahn that we drive the most, so I hardly ever get to drive fast. 100 km is 60 mph. Insert frowny face here.

If you are thinking that maybe this Lärmschutz isn't enforced, you could talk to my friend who was caught going 171 km in this zone one early Sunday morning. What was her ticket? It was for €1800,00! Yes! One thousand eight hundred Euros! That is over $2,300.00. The Polizei worked a deal with her though. They dropped it to €600,00 and a three month suspension of her license (still $775.00). I think of that every time I drive here and notice my speedometer start to edge up over 100 km.  I don't want to waste €600,00 on driving fast. That kind of money can buy a lot of shoes.

Ideally the autobahn looks like this. Light traffic, passing lane to the left open, and no speed limit. But I have found that driving on the autobahn is a lot like life. In life you can't always go as fast as you want. Sometimes you need to slow down. Sometimes you have to wait your turn. And sometimes you need to be quiet or pay the price. Here's wishing you happy driving (and watch out for the Polizei!)

Tschüß,

Kelly

Speeding In Germany (And Getting Caught)

Germany is known for its love of speed. Just saying "autobahn" makes some people unconsciously start making "vroom-vroom" sounds under their breath. Their eyes glaze over upon hearing the words "No Speed Limit" and visions of rounding corners at over 100 mph fill their head. Yes, the autobahn is great. But a fact that people don't often mention is that while the autobahn is full of speed loving demons, roads in and around towns tend to have lower speed limits than in America. My husband and I have been caught speeding in and around Heidelberg several times since we moved here. But it's not what you think. Polizei don't enforce the speed limits. You can blaze right by them on a surface street (most of the time) and they don't give you a second glance. How are we getting caught then?

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce to you the all knowing German Speed Camera. Also known as Satan around my house. Don't the two circles look like eyes? Staring you down. Daring you to speed. Boring straight into your soul and saying, "I veel get you."

The German Speed Camera never misses. It always gets you. Always.

How hard is it to drive the speed limit? Really hard, actually. Back home in America, deep in the mountainous/desert states of the west where I called home, places were spread out. Grocery stores and shopping malls were several miles away and what better way to get there quicker than to go over the speed limit by a couple of miles. I have found since coming here my comfortable driving speed is around 40 mph. When I zone out while I drive, I always settle right around this speed. It's really not so fast. But in Heidelberg, fast is all relative. Let me bring you up to speed on German traffic law (pun intended).

There are three things you need to know. Outside of city limits, the speed limit is 70 kilometers per hour (43 mph) or 100 km (60 mph). Inside city limits it is 50 km (31 mph). And in Altstadts (old towns) or the twisty, little cobblestone roads that are the heart of almost every German town, the speed limit is 30 km (18 mph). Not too hard. Many times, the speed limits aren't marked, just the town limits are so you better know your rules. Here is more on German traffic law.

Now you see my problem. If I comfortably drive at 40 mph (64 km) in town, I am going over the speed of 50 km by 14 kilometers per hour. Yikes. As you may have guessed, I am very familiar with the ramifications of speeding in Germany.

The problem all starts when I am innocently driving down the street when all of a sudden! A bright, orange light temporarily blinds me. This would be the flash illuminating my face. 

Although I haven't seen my pictures, I am sure I look something like this most of the time.

Or this.

What. That flash is really bright.

So I've been flashed. What happens now? I wait. Three, four, sometimes even five months before my lovely letter (ticket) from Stadt Heidleberg shows up, in German, and tells me how much I owe to them for speeding on their fair streets. I am up to four. Or is it five?

My first was a total set up. We had been here two weeks and we only had my husband's car. A turbo Saab. I was finally feeling more comfortable driving (even though I didn't have my license here yet, shh, don't tell!) and was letting the Saab really feel itself. When... FLASH!

The set up is this. On the street into town, Speyerer Straße, there are multiple signs that look like this.

This is the actual sign from Speyerer Straße leading into Heidelberg. It lets you know, "Hey, go 70 km. Just do it!" So I did. And then some.

The problem is this.

Right after the 70 km sign above, this sign appears. This lets you know that you have crossed the town boundary into Heidelberg. I told you what this means. It means you now have to drop to 50 km. The signs are maybe 30 meters apart. And then right after this sign is Satan, I mean the German Speed Camera. I got FLASHED here twice. What a trap.

The next time I was flashed I was merging off of the autobahn on the 656 into town. I was going the obligatory 70 km in this zone when Matt told me to pass the guy in front of me because we were running late. I go around the slow car and speed up to 73 km when FLASH! Yep. Three little, kilometers (1.8 mph) over will get you a ticket. Germans are hella serious about their speed limits.

I also got flashed driving away from the American hospital after I broke my thumb by slamming it in my Volvo car door (who said Volvos were safe?) When this FLASH! happened I may, or may not have let loose a string of profanities. And maybe cried. And called my mom and told her I hated it here. Maybe.

I am finding that I can't talk my way out of camera tickets here the way I could talk my way out of a ticket from a police officer when I got pulled over back in the States. I was legendary. I was pulled over at least ten times and each time I got away with no ticket. Ah, the good ol' days.There just ain't no sweet talkin' a camera.

So the next time you are driving in Germany, and every single person on the road is driving 5 km under the speed limit, watch out for the FLASH! cause it will get you. Each and every time.

Tschüß,

Kelly*

*Queen of the FLASH!