Unfunny Germans

I live on an American Army base in Germany. I loathe it. What is the fun of living in a foreign country when you are surrounded by other Americans? I do however get a chance to interact with Germans on a daily basis. The section of the base that I live on is guarded, but not by American personnel. It's guarded by a German security firm so every time I drive to my house I have to stop and talk to these German security guards. Down in Heidelberg, I didn't make much of an effort to get to know these guards. They were faceless Germans dressed in a uniform. Upon our move to Wiesbaden, I vowed to be more friendly. With all the driving around I have been doing I have been entering the same gate close to five times a day. And every day the same guard with the nice smile is there. And because I have Heidelberg plates on my car he always says "Welcome to Wiesbaden," with that smile.

I decided to be friendly. After handing my ID and going through the retinal scan, fingerprinting, and DNA analysis that is required to get on base, I struck up a little conversation.

Me - "So, are you like, always here?" Joking tone of voice with a smile.

German Guard as the smile leaves his face - "No, I'm not always here..."

Me with a bigger smile and more joking in voice - "No, I mean it just always seems like you are here when I drive through so I kinda thought you might live in the guard shack."

German Guard with no smile now and with much uncertainty in his voice - "No, they don't make me live in the guard shack. I have a home."

This is the look he was giving me (just substitute the suit with a guard uniform).

I should have just stopped there. I should have taken my ID and driven through the check point and scuttled my little way back to my home. Did I do this? No. I was intent on making sure this German guard knew I was being friendly and was doing this by being jokey.

Me - "No!" as I laugh. "I know you don't live in the guard shack. It just seems you work a lot. Maybe I only drive through on days you work. Maybe we're on the same 'schedule' or something." I'm trying really hard to smile and steer this train wreck into something resembling a friendly connection.

German Guard - "Um... same schedule? Well, I work three days on then two days off so if you drive through on those days, yes, I will be here. But I don't think residents have schedules that they have to follow about when they can come on base..."



This is going nowhere fast and I now have a line of cars waiting behind me so I say "Thanks," and drive off. Much to the relief of this German guard. So what went wrong? I will tell you what I forgot:

I read an article once that said Germans were voted worldwide the least funny people. Anywhere. Of course, Americans were voted the funniest. And no, it's not an European thing. With all the traveling we have done, we have come across some funny people. There was the waitress in Paris that didn't speak any English and to tell us what was beef on the menu she would moo and laugh hysterically along with us. There was the old Austrian lady who could only say 'hello' until we taught her 'good morning' and she said it every time of day while she laughed because she knew it wasn't morning. There were the Swedes in the Volvo dealership who joked right along with our American group of car buyers. So what is it with these Germans?

(And do I even have to point out that I didn't go through that guard post for the next two days I was so embarrassed. I saw the guard stare at the back of my car in total confusion while I drove away. Oh great. I am now the "crazy American lady who thinks he lives in the guard station." What a great way to be friendly.)

It's true that Germans are a hard working people. But does hard work equal no sense on humor? Doesn't the guard know that upon me saying "It seems like you are always here," that he should have said "It sure feels like I am always here. Maybe I should move into the shack and cut down on my commute time." And then I would say, "Hey! There's an idea! You could spruce it up with some throw pillows!" And then we would both chuckle and say "Have a nice day," and be content that we were funny and should share that funniness with another human.

Maybe there just aren't any funny Germans out there.

I looked up laughing Germans and funny Germans and this is what I found. Mostly pictures of people in traditional Bavarian dress drinking beer while laughing. So if I was to go with what I found on the internet, to make a German laugh I have to get them drunk. Alright. Maybe I will drive through again and try the same exchange with the guard but offer him a beer first to loosen him up.

But I doubt it would work. I'd probably get a look like this. So serious it's written on his face.

(This is an actual German. Do you see what I'm dealing with?)

I just want to say thank you to all the people who jumped to the defense of the German people by telling me that they know a funny German. I do know that there are funny Germans out there. I've actually met some. When I wrote this post I was just highlighting a difficult moment I had with one person. I decided to use this one moment to write about something that is talked about, how the German people have a different sense of humor. I hope everyone knows that I wrote this post in good fun (I'm an American after all, isn't everything supposed to be fun?) and meant no harm. Thanks!


5 May 2014 - Second addition - I just want to reiterate that I know there are funny German people out there. The reason I wrote about this was I was just trying to highlight how embarrassed I actually was (and still am when I see this guard). I know not everyone gets sarcasm and irony and such. Luckily, we have a wide assortment of German guards that I can joke with! I hope any German people who read this realize this was all written in jest. After all, some of my very favorite people are German. And quite funny!

No Love For Germany (Or For The Ex-pat)

We are off exploring Denmark, Sweden, Estonia, and Russia right now. Enjoy this post in my absence. See you back on July 8th when I can tell you about it. (I am currently interested in finding bloggers who would like to post on my blog when I am off exploring every country in Europe. Are you an ex-pat or travel blogger? Would you like to guest post every now and then while I am gone? Email me or leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you!)

I am feeling quite frustrated right now. I had no idea when I moved to Germany what I would be missing out on. Things that I totally took for granted when I lived on American soil.

Let's start with the television show The Office. I LOVE this show. My brother is exactly like Jim. Looks like him, talks like him, makes the same funny faces as him. And Jim is a pretty funny guy. I used to DVR the show and look forward to Thursday night when I could put my kids to bed and stay up with a pint of pear flavored ice cream (it's delicious) and watch The Office. Can't do that here. First, I don't have a DVR. Second, I can't find any stinking NBC to watch in the mix of German channels we get. Then I saw that NBC had an app for the iPad where you could watch your shows. I shouted in glee. Downloaded the app. Sat waiting in pure anticipation. And then this popped up on my screen.

What? Why can't I watch The Office in Germany? Why is Jim's humor, Pam's wit, and Dwight's schemes available only to people in the States? Don't they know that the writing of The Office could unite the world into a more peaceful and loving place? But NO. The Office has been placed in an unreachable nirvana to me. And now I have some crappy, useless NBC app on my iPad that mocks me every day.

But it doesn't end there. I read MSN and NBC news quite often, and I really enjoy funny clips that are usually attached to these articles. Guess what? Can't watch those either.

 

My friend emailed me and told me that I had to watch this hysterical video of sailors dancing to this Gangnam Style song. We weren't listening to German radio at the time (too many F words) so we had no idea what this song was. We pulled up You Tube and searched for it. And this is what we saw.

Yeah, right you're sorry. Now I'm just feeling picked on and left out. It's like there is this cool kids club that has all these inside jokes and neat places they go. And I catch snippets about how funny these things and awesome these places are. I try to follow these cool kids, but I get lost in the woods. Or in Germany's dang GEMA rights blahblahblah stuff. Doesn't anybody out there realize how unfunny the German people are? These people need sailors dancing to Gangnam Style. They need Jerry Seinfeld. Desperately!

 

It doesn't end there. My two teenaged children live and die by the clothes they wear. So obviously Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch are staples around my house. They can be really expensive clothes. These brands are available to people here in Germany, but at full price in Euros at the mall. I snickered to myself. I had a way around that full price monster. I am on the email list to get 30% off coupons sent to me every couple of weeks. I would get that coupon, go to the website clearance section, and load up on these name-brand clothes for my kids. At least that is what I used to do. Imagine my surprise the first time I tried to enter the coupon at the check out and this is what I saw.

 



Are you kidding me?! All I want to do is buy my kids some stupid trendy clothes at discount prices and now I can't! Doesn't anybody know how expensive stuff is in Europe? We have to have discounts. We have to have coupons! For the love of all that is good, will someone please come to their senses and make these things available in Germany!

 



And just to add insult to injury, ever since I put my current city on Facebook as Heidelberg, I am besieged by ads in German. Slutty, lingerie ads a lot of the time. I get that Facebook is a multi-billion dollar company and they want to keep it free for their users so they have to put ads on there. But with all the things that Facebook is trying to do to make it easier for their customers, don't you think they could look at the language I post in and, I don't know, maybe put ads in that same freaking language? Hmmm? Just a suggestion from me to you, Facebook. If you ever want me to click on the those annoying side bar ads, make sure I can read them first.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my mini-tantrum.

 

Peace out,

 

Kelly

What things have you found worked differently for you since moving abroad?

 

 

PS Even if you are not an expat or travel blogger, but you can write a post that is relatable to my content, I would love to have a guest post from you. After all the discrimination I wrote about above, I really can't be discriminating myself, can I?

Speak An International Language

With all the traveling we have done around Europe this past year (12 countries in 10 months) I have learned a couple things.

1 - You can almost always find someone who can speak English. And...
2 - Even if you can't find someone who speaks English, there are words you can say that are understood by everyone.

Here is a list of words that have migrated into all languages in Europe.

Okay.
The word okay has become ubiquitous across Europe. I had no idea that people in Germany used it. Then we went to France. They used it there. Then we went to Italy. Okay was there, too. I've heard it said in conversations from Greece to Belgium. So if you want to answer in the affirmative to someone who speaks a different language, answer okay. It's their language too.

Stop.
I've mentioned before how surprised I was when we came here and stop signs said, well, Stop. I asked Matt why they didn't say halt. All the other signs that tell you to "Stop here on red," say "Halt heir auf rot." It got me thinking. Maybe there is just one company in the whole world who manufactures stop signs and instead of making the signs in individual languages, they just taught the whole world the word stop, there by reducing their manufacturing costs by millions! We've never had to use the word stop when we've been out and about. But I can imagine that it would come in very handy say in a bar or nightclub. "Hey! Stop!"

Ciao.
Yep. The word for an informal good-bye in Italian is heard everywhere. I really prided myself on learning the sing-song way Germans said tschüss. Imagine my surprise when it's answered with a ciao! instead of a tschüss back. I can't bring myself to use ciao anywhere but in Italy. I remember back home in the States, people who prided themselves on being "international" would always say good-bye by saying "Ciao, baby." It was always met by eye-rolling from everyone else.

Pardon.
The word for excuse me in German is a mouth full. Entschuldigung. Matt and I went to the crowded local Ikea store one day and I kept bumping into people. I kept having to lean over to Matt and whisper, "How do you say excuse me again?"

"Entshuldigung." I had to ask him no less than seven times how to properly say this word. Just last week, after months of feeling like I had mastered it, he pulled me aside and said I was dropping the D sound. Back to work. If I had only known then that most people here know the word pardon, said with a long O sound, like the French say it. And not just in Germany. Pardon is said in Romance languages and Slavic languages. So the next time you are in a crowded Ikea anywhere in Europe, just save yourself the trouble and say, "Oh! Pardon!"

No.
Everyone, no matter what language they speak, knows this one. Say with a firm shake of the head and you'll get your message across.

Do you feel prepared to visit Europe now?

But I have some advice. Even if you travel to somewhere where everyone speaks English (like Sweden) I recommend learning the words thank you and please in the native language of the place you are visiting. You wouldn't believe the smiles we get when we say thank you to someone in their language, even if they speak English fluently. When you travel abroad, most of the people you will deal with work in the service industry. Hotel staff, waiters, cashiers at small stores. Trust me, you will get much better service and maybe even a smile (a rare thing in Europe) when you break out that dekuji (thank you in Czech) or tack så mycket (thank you in Swedish). It also helps you connect to the people and that culture just the tiniest bit more.

Happy travels my friends!

Kelly

We leave for Stockholm, Sweden, St. Petersburg, Russia, and Tallinn, Estonia in 3 days! Have you been there? What should we see?

Naked Ladies And Bad Words, Just Another Day In Europe

Before moving to Germany my sweet German mother-in-law warned me that things in Europe were not the same as they were in the States. "How so?" I asked. 

"Well..." she struggled to answer. "They don't have the same, standards I will say, when it comes to what is acceptable on television or advertising or shown on news stands." Hmm... whatever could she mean? 

A few weeks after arriving here, we were listening to a local German radio station. The radio stations here play English songs about 75% of the time. We were driving along, listening to the radio announcer ramble away in German when the song started. And it started a little something like this- "What's my mother f***ing name! What's my mother f***ing name!" 

Hello...

Upon hearing this my kids said "Mom! How could you listen to that!" Apparently it's my fault for not being able to see into the future and know what song is going to start. We have come to find out that there is no such thing as the "radio edit" here in Germany. The kids will be listening to a song that they completely enjoyed back in the States. A song that they had no idea dropped the F bomb or was peppered with the S word. Not to call anyone out, but Black Eyed Peas, I'm looking your way...

When we go and play at the park it seems an impromptu game of Fußball always breaks out. When the German kids realize my children are American, there always seems to be an uptick in the number of F words that are said by the German kids when goals are missed or passes are incomplete. You might be wondering what the big deal is. We're a military family, how rare could these words be? Pretty rare at our house actually. Matt and I don't speak like that. Gosh and darn and heck usually are as colorful as we get. When we're really bugged freaking or effing have been known to slip out. I know! We really cut loose. 

Not only do we hear these words, we see them on advertising posters. On our recent trip to Berlin, the U-Bahn stations all had signs with the F word. I have no idea what they were advertising. My favorite one said "Sh** Happens." It would seem sh** happens is a universal epithet crossing culture and language boundaries. We all know it's true. Sh** does happen. Why do we need a sign telling us though? I would have taken a picture, but I didn't to keep this blog firmly situated with a PG rating. And I know I would never hear the end of it from my kids if I actually typed out a swear word.

Not only do we hear more colorful language, we see much more of the human body. Mostly the female human body. Television programming isn't much of a problem. We get a special cable package put together especially for American ex-pats in Germany called TKS. The kids get their Disney and Nickelodeon craptacular shows and it keeps most of the skin to the much later hours. It's driving out and about that we get a little peep show. We recently passed a semi-truck that had woman from behind totally naked on the sides. Oh wait, I'm sorry. She wasn't fully naked, she was wearing a g-string made of dental floss. So she was nekkid.

When we drove to Austria last time we stopped in a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Right up there on the racks with all the gossip rags were the nudey magazines. Nipples galore on the covers. I completely ignored them, hoping my kids would do the same. Luckily, the nudey magazines seem to only be in gas stations out on long stretches of the Autobahn, not in towns. I've noticed that most of the vehicles stopped in these nudey-magazine-offering stations seem to be semi-trucks. It must get lonely on those long European roads. They could always just take a look at the sides of each other's trucks though.

After almost a year here, the swear words and occasional naked ladies have become just part of the background noise of Europe. We've just learned to walk right by. Except for Andre, my 8 year old. He never misses an opportunity to point out the lack of clothes or when he sees a swear word. "Mom! Did you see that?!"

"Yep. Sure did." The less of a reaction the better I think. After all, it's just another day in Europe.

Tchüss,

Kelly

What do you think? Do you think Americans are prudes? What would you tell your children?

How To Be A German

I recently read a funny article about How to be a German in 20 easy steps, and I laughed... and I laughed some more. Read part 2 and part 3 for even more laughs. There are actually 25 steps now and they say there are more coming. The author of the blog, one hipster named Adam Fletcher, asks if there is anything he has forgotten. Having spent the last 10 months in Germany I have picked up a few things that aren't on the list that I think you need to do, or be, or complete to fully immerse yourself in Germanyness (yes, Germanyness is a real word). In no order of importance here is my list-


1. Wear a scarf. Every day. Everywhere.  When we got to Germany I realized that I was not alone in my love of the scarf. Women wore them around their necks, around their pony-tails, around their waists. And stop right now if you think the scarf is reserved for merely neck warming and cold weather. The scarf is seen adorning the necks of women even in 90F°/32C° weather. It would seem German women have shy collarbones because you never, ever see them. And wait! It gets better. The scarf crosses gender boundaries! Back in the States, male scarf wearing was confined to heavy-wool-coat ensembles and they were always dark in color and lacking fringe. Not here. German men let their freak flag fly with scarves draped around their necks. My favorite "German outfit" which can be seen on the 18-25 year old male German is cut-off shorts, tank top, and then a very "fringey" scarf  loosely draped around those sacred collar bones which must be hidden from view.


2. Have a garden. Germans love their flowers. Flower and bush nurseries dot the outskirts of villages. Hours and hours are spent obtaining a perfection that seems to border on obsessive compulsive. Ask an American who has lived in Germany if they have ever seen a German sweep their dirt in their yard. Not sweep the dirt from the yard, but actually sweep the dirt so it gets all nice and smooth and even. And just because you live in an apartment is no reason why you can't do your part to beautify Germany. In these same village outskirts you will see parcels of land with little shacks on them and beautifully maintained gardens. At first I thought they were the shanty towns of Germany. No, these are the city dweller weekend gardens where they escape to have the opportunity to plunge trowel into German soil.




3. Love dogs. Their owners on the other hand? Not so much. Germany has to be one of the most dog friendly cultures I have ever lived in. Your dog can join you in the mall. There is nothing like shopping at Karstadt and have the woof of a Labrador Retriever echo out in the stores. You can take your little doggy with you into restaurants too. If you have a cute and good dog, most Germans will approach your dog and rub their head and lavish praise upon the dog. I will never forget when I had two German repairmen in my apartment who were looking at me with thinly veiled contempt. My dog Minkie bounded into the room and started licking their hands (traitor dog). They changed in an instant into happy and friendly people. "Du bist ein gut Hund!" Or you are a good dog. They scratched her, loved her, let her lick their faces, and practically rolled around on the floor with her for about five minutes before I had to break it up. As soon as Minkie left, thinly veiled contempt was back.


4. Don't care about other peoples problems. Many a time I have heard the wail of people here, American and German alike, about the lack of customer service. I am not saying that Germans don't care about people, like if you were on fire they would probably put you out. But let us say something broke and you are trying to return it to the store, or a shop is closing right as you need to run in just to grab some milk and could they please just let you in for just a second. Good luck.

5. Go out to eat and stay the whole night. To go out to a popular restaurant in Germany you are probably going to need your table to be reserviert, or reserved. There really is no need to put a time down because the table is basically yours the whole night. Want to eat at 9:00 at night? No problem because your table is reserviert and you can show up whenever you want. Or do you want to go early, and then never leave? You can do that too. In fact, that is mostly what we see. Matt and I went out to dinner at a cute little restaurant in the next town over. After eating and enjoying our drinks we looked at all the other patrons. Just as we were getting ready to leave, they were ordering after dinner drinks and talking and laughing and looking like they were just settling in after being there for almost three hours. Going out to dinner isn't something you fit in between weekend activities here. It is the weekend activity.


6. Never wash your car on Sunday. But somehow, always have a clean car. There is a law in Germany that makes Sunday car washing illegal. And through word of mouth I have heard that if you decide to bend the rules (break the law actually) and try to wash your car, the public shame is right up there with crossing the street on a red or dissing sauerkraut. You just don't do it. About 95% of Germany drives a black or dark grey Volkswagen, Audi, BMW, or Mercedes. And they always look clean. As in right off the show room floor clean. How do they do it? You know what my German/American husband would say? Something about the superiority of German engineering, even their dirt and how they have designed it not to stick to cars. Where can I get some of this non-sticking dirt because my car is always filthy.

7. Complain about the graffiti. But claim that it was all done by immigrants.













8. Go to the grocery store every day. And then the bakery. And then produce stand. And then the butcher. A typical German kitchen and refrigerator are quite small by American standards so there is no "stocking up" on items. You buy what you need for that day, maybe a little for the next and then that's it. And you go back tomorrow.











9. Claim to speak only a little English. And then proceed to speak in better English than the native English speaker who asked you. Germany has high rates of people who fluently speak English as a second language. And they speak it well. I have met some Germans who I have known spoke pretty good English in the past, yet they refuse to speak to me because they might be a little rusty. I told them that I could guarantee them that their English was gazillion times better than my German, so come on! Let that English fly! One girl claimed that she never really learned and then in a heated discussion she piped in and I pointed at her, "Ah-ha! You do speak English!" 

10. Celebrate every holiday by not going to work. And then also celebrate the day after too. And maybe even the day before. We are wrapping up the spring holidays in Germany right now that center around Christ. Easter, Ascension, Pentecost. And also May Day (German Labor Day), Muttertag, and Vatertag (German Mother's Day and Father's Day). It seems these people hardly work. Germany is a place of industry and I know things get done around here. But with the number of days people get off, it amazes me. And they don't take one day, they take like three. And everything shuts down. I guess they really are the model for efficiency with the amount of things they get done in the amount of time they work. The holidays make for nice driving though. The streets are empty.

11. Drive really well. Germans are known for their love of their cars. And for a place to really get out and drive those cars, the Autobahn. But you can't just drive around Germany like any 16-year-old-freshly-minted bonehead. You had better know your stuff, as in you had better know the rules. Like every other car when merging. Like use your blinker every time. Like get out of the left lane for passing cars. I actually really love driving here because people don't mess around. I feel a lot safer here going 160 km (100 mph) on the autobahn than I did back in the States with all those other idiots doing 65 mph. 







12. Wear only black. And for just a little variety dark blue jeans, grey, and brown. And for when you are feeling a little crazy... wait for it... Tan! Build your very limited but very expensive wardrobe around these colors and you will blend right into the German population. And to look even more German, have a slightly annoyed look on your face. Unless you are sitting all night at your favorite restaurant or petting a dog.










There is my list of How To Be A German. And in only 12 steps! Have I forgotten anything?

Tchüß,

Kelly*

*Is secretly really pleased when mistaken for a real German and not the poser impostor she feels like most of the time. 

German Rain Is Wetter

Before we moved to Germany, I became hooked on the show House Hunters International. In all the Germany episodes I noticed that it was often overcast or raining. I asked my husband, who has lived in and around Berlin, if this was an accurate weather sampling of Germany. "Oh no! It hardly ever rains there." He went on to tell me that the weather was similar to where we grew up, the mountainous/desert area of the western United States, which receives very little rain. 

As you can see from this picture, he is a BIG FAT LIAR! In fact, I may have even asked him if his tushy was warm because his pants were you-know-what. On fire. 

Getting used to all this rain has been difficult for me and my kids, seeing as were Americans and we don't walk or do anything in the rain. My oldest son, Alexander, plays for the American high school soccer team which often plays local German teams. For some reason, every Saturday for the last two months has seen rain. And every Saturday when I wake up and see the rain, I immediately assume they will cancel the game. That's what we did back home. Not here. You play in the rain.

I have a friend who has many German friends who like to walk and hike in the woods and she often makes plans to join them. On days when it's raining, she'll call her friends up and say "Well, I see it's raining out..." To which the Germans reply, "So?" You also hike in the rain.

You also ride your bike in the rain. You also walk your dog in the rain. You also carry groceries from the store in the rain. 

Back home we got such infrequent rain that if the dog needed to go out and it was raining, we could wait for 10 minutes and it would usually pass and the sun would come out and dry up all the rain and then the isty-bitsy spider... you know the rest. Here in Germany, my husband will tell the kids, "Kids! Minkie Dog needs to go out." 

"Da-ad. It's ra-aining though." And they will wait. Well, they wait for hours because that German rain isn't letting up and poor Minkie is doing the doggie version of the potty dance (much like the human version but with more barking.)

They even ask me to drive them to school when it's raining, even though it's so close we could probably spit to it. It's not their fault though. Back home, I did drive them when it was raining. We didn't have rain coats, we didn't have galoshes, and we only owned like two broken umbrellas that hardly were ever used. Here we have such an aversion to getting wet you would think we are this lady here. 

Needless to say, the amount of rain Germany gets has taken some getting used to. 

So that is why today I am sitting inside blogging instead of wandering the Odenwald, or sunning on the banks of the Neckar. 

Or having a nice bratwurst and apfelkuchen right here at this table. Nope. Not today. Today I am going to search my favorite website, Zappos, for some new waterproof shoes. Maybe after I get them, I will go out. And I hope I don't melt.

Tchüß,

Kelly*

*Is determined that some day while she lives in Germany, she will be able to go out in the rain, and not be afraid of getting wet. Maybe after she gets these. 

Update - May 2013 was one of the wettest months on record for much of Central Europe. Rivers through out the region reached levels that haven't been seen for 400 years the last week of May. Many towns throughout Germany, Czech Republic, and Austria had to evacuate people as rivers breached their banks.

Der Früling in Heidelberg

Der Früling is just around the corner. Who or what is der Früling? It's the spring! The season, not the creaky things in beds. It has been a cloudy and cold winter in Germany and spring is definitely trying to take hold. 

If only Mother Nature would cooperate. I have decided though, that Mother Nature is a cruel and vengeful witch when she gave us one week of sunshine and temps above 50F° and then took it all away and replaced it with clouds and a biting cold wind from former East Germany. So that's what we get for tearing down the wall, huh? Cold wind? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

It is Good Friday today so everything is closed up tight and the roads are empty.

See?

After running a quick errand, I saw how deserted town seemed and so I took a quick drive around Heidelberg. Streets that are usually packed with bikers and pedestrians had become ghost towns. The sky was mostly cloudy, but the sun kept trying to peek out and so I walked along the Neckar and enjoyed my city.

The river was slow and lazy today, meandering down from villages higher up in the canyon and sliding quietly by me.

The river was so calm that these two guys were able to do this.

I walked along the river and noticed across from me daffodils had sprung up along the banks.

Bunches of crocus had erupted in formerly all green lawns.

The clouds were getting thicker and the air still had a chill of winter about it, but everywhere you looked it was undeniable that spring was fighting its way into our little corner of Germany.

I stood under the bridge, waiting for the sun to come out one last time (it didn't) so I could a picture of the river with the sun sparkling off of it. When I finally realized the clouds were here to stay I looked up and saw I was right under the old gate tower. 

To millions of people all over the world, Heidelberg will just be that place where they had an amazing vacation. Not me. It will be that place where I lived for a year. Where I walked, and ate, and got lost, and turned the wrong way on Einbahnstraßes (one way streets), and looked for parking, and made friends, American and German. And lastly, where I started to think, "hey, I can do this. I can live in Germany." Because for awhile there, I thought I couldn't.

I walked back to my car and passed tourists getting on buses.

The streets had been fairly empty, all except for these guys. Apparently they didn't get the memo that Germany shuts down Easter weekend. 

Just like spring was slowly working its way through Germany and taking hold, Germany was slowly working its way through me. And taking hold. I drove home thinking about no matter where I move to next or where I go in this world, I will always have been a Heidelberger at one point in my life. 

Which means I will never have to go in here.

Tschüß,

Kelly*

*Heidelberger du jour.

What Her Milkshake Brings

I just returned from the local gas station where we usually fill up. There are very few pay-at-the-pump options in Germany, or even all of Europe for that matter, so I always get to go in and do a little convo with the clerk at the counter. Must be why all my best German happens to be numbers 1-10 and the word for pump, which is pump but pronounced poomp. I love saying poomp.

I am standing at the counter paying for my petrol when the song "My Milk Shake" by Kelis comes over the speakers in the station. I had a little out of body experience. I find it very strange to be in Germany and to see or hear something that takes me right back to my old life in America. It's like travelling between dimensions or something. I was sucked right back when the clerk starting singing along with the words. Sounded something like this...

"My meelk shake bringz all zhe boyz to zhe yahrd, und zhere like, itz betteh zhan yourz..." 

Because it would be rude to stand there and laugh, all I could do was sing along with her.

"Dahm right, itz betteh zhan yourz. I cun teazch you, but I haz to charge."

Yeah, we totally bonded.

Are Americans Rude(r)?

Before I moved to Germany, I was warned about the amount of anit-American sentiment there was in Europe. I was told stories by friends how they disguised themselves as Canadians and wore red maple leafs on their backpacks when they had travelled over here. I know there may be other reasons why people from other countries dislike Americans (multiple wars, foreign policy, and so on) but I wondered if Americans had a reputation for rudeness. I decided to check it out.

In the four months we had before we moved here, I watched everything on television I could find with the names of Europe or Germany in the description. A show that I became hooked on was 'House Hunters International.' It showed many families, mostly American, moving across the world and their experiences. If you're not familiar with the show, read about it here. A common theme I was seeing was that American families were told they were too loud in Europe. Well, that's a problem I can start on right here and now.

I started something with my kids called EV. What's EV? EV stands for European Voices. When we would be out in public, say like in Target, and my children would raise their voices, I would look at them and say "Shhh. EV." It worked really well. It got my children to pay attention that not everyone in a 25 foot radius is interested in hearing our conversation about how much the dog threw up that morning or who poked who in the eye back in the car. EV, people. EV.

We were quieter. I felt ready for Germany.

Our first trip down the Hauptstrasse, or main street, in Heidelberg was met with stares. A lot. I leaned over to Matt and asked why they were staring. He answered, "Probably because we have four kids. You never see that over here." Great. So much for being able to blend in with our European Voices.

I asked my friend who was born and raised in Germany if she thought Americans were rude. She gave me a weird look. "Really," I said. "I want to know." So in typical German form she gave me blunt answers. "I don't think Americans are rude, I think they are obnoxious. Americans are really loud. Their voices carry. They think everything is funny. They take up too much room when walking down the street. Instead of walking in smaller groups, they will all walk side-by-side preventing anyone from getting past them. And they don't dress warm enough and then they complain that it's cold."

Here are some other comments I received on the rudeness of Americans.

1. Americans are loud. (I heard this one a lot.)
2. Americans are too informal in meeting strangers and how we deal with people.
3. Americans think everyone is interested in them and what they are doing in Europe.
4. Americans assume everyone understands English.
5. Americans dress sloppily. Jeans, sweatshirts, and sneakers are workout wear. Not going out wear.
6. Americans are often late.

Ouch.

I am sad to say that this list seems mostly true. Americans are loud, but I don't know why. I know I am loud because I grew up with a parent who was partially deaf. We had to be loud in my family. The rest of America? Maybe it's all that rock music that we listen to. 

If we are informal with people, it's because we are comfortable with them or because we view others as our peers. Back home in my neighborhood in America, it was no big deal to walk into a neighbors house with a quick knock on the door and flop on the couch. You were family. We might not realize that that same open behavior comes across as disrespect in other cultures instead of familiarity which we view as a good thing.

I do think Americans think everyone is interested in Americans. That's because when people from Europe come to America, we are so interested in them. I spent a summer working in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. We got a lot of European vacationers. We, the employees, were always so excited to talk to them and ask them where they were from and where they were going. We just assume that the same will be thought of us when we travel abroad. I guess not.

We think everyone speaks English. I think this might not be all our fault because many people do speak English. In Sweden, the rate of people who speak English is 90%. In Germany, Switzerland, Austria, and Belgium it's 60%. France and Italy lag behind at around 35%-40%. That's still a lot of English being spoken. It's not hard to find someone to understand you. I do understand though how it comes across as rude. I recently went to lunch with some friends in France and was a little shocked when the Americans next to us spoke English to the waitress without even asking if she spoke English in her native tongue. We had had the same waitress and I knew her English was spotty. I saw a look of fear cross her face as the Americans rattled off what they wanted. She scuttled away and I saw her conferring with another waitress who then came to their table to retake their order. I then spoke as much rusty French as I could dig out of my brain to her. I thought the Americans behavior was rude myself. But who knows? Maybe that was rude of me to slaughter her language. I tried, at least.

As far as Americans dressing like slobs, I just don't see that. I have been in nine different European countries now and it seems everyone dresses like that. When we went on our first trip out of Germany to Paris, I was really worried that people would think the way we were dressed was messy. Then I got there. I saw people wearing flip-flops, sneakers, pants with holes in them, hijabs, tank tops with no bras, track suits, saris, and T-Shirts with naughty slang words on them. So many different and beautiful styles of dress were there. When we were at a street cafe, a French family sat down right next to us. I looked over at them and they were all wearing shorts with white socks pulled half-way up their calves. And to top it all off, the mom and dad were wearing fanny packs.  Honest-to-goodness fanny packs or bum bags. If you don't know what that is, read about it here. In America, the fanny pack, or bum bag, is the epitome of a fashion disaster. I decided I wasn't going to worry too much about what we were wearing. That our attitudes and behavior while travelling abroad were much more important. 

And on being late. I think that is just part of our informal society. Aren't all times followed by an ish? As in, "I will be there at 4ish." Which means I will be there as close to 4:00 as humanly possible, but I might be late.

What about you? Do you think Americans are rude travelling abroad? Have you been told you are rude?

5 May 2014 - First, let me say, whoa. And wow. I was surprised about the backlash that came about during my blogging hiatus about how rude Americans are when traveling. Americans are in no way perfect. They can be very loud. I had to tell my own family to quiet down a couple of times when they visited. But I will be honest, everywhere we go people ask us where we are from. (You would be surprised how many Europeans assume we are from England. It's actually kind of cool.) When we tell them we are from America, 99% of the time we get "oh! I love Americans! So easy going! They smile! They want to see stuff! And they buy things from me! Let me tell you about my trip to America!" All good stuff, right?

I have my own list of who I think is rude in Europe. (Italians, I'm giving you a side glance...) Does this mean I think everyone from the country is rude? Absolutely not. Will I use one encounter to judge the whole country? Absolutely not. What I think needs to happen is visitors need to do their part to try not to offend. Notice how I said try. No matter what, sometimes people will get offended. Just like when I lived in America. I got offended by Americans every now and then, and I'm sure I did some offending. Visitees - I also think you need to relax a little. Tell people when they are being extremely rude. If it's just regular rudeness, feel free to let it go. Let's all try to get along! Travel on friends! And try not to be rude!

- Kelly

Are Germans Rude?

Since I have been here in Germany, I have been asked several times by friends back home, Are Germans Rude?

Yes. And no.

Does that clear things up?

Let me back up a bit. I was born and raised in America. I am a fourth generation American on one side and on the other side I have ancestors that came over from Europe in the 1720's. We've been in America a long time. My parents never raised me to think Americans were better than anyone else. America did that for them. In school learning about World War I and World War II, the idea that a good life depended on capitalism, and the media. Especially media. We are the Land of the Free! and Home of the Brave! (play ball!), the birthplace of Wonder Bread and Mac'n'Cheese, Coke and Pepsi, jeans and sneakers. All things American are better and therefore Americans are too. I felt safe in the knowledge that I was who I was. American.

Then I met this guy, Matt. Matt was also an American. But instead of being raised by people who grew up in a middle class, Southern California home like I was, he was raised by people who grew up in Germany, during and after the war. We were the same, but oh, how we were different. 

Matt and his parents were blunt. To put it mildly. I will never forget when Matt's mom said to his sister one day, "I don't like your shirt." Matt's sister then turned to me and said, "Kelly has one too." She then looked at me. "I don't like it when Kelly wears it either."

What?! You don't like my shirt?! I felt personally attacked. What am I if not what I wear! My clothes are me. To attack them is to attack me.

Through the course of our relationship she has also told me that she didn't like my choice in paint colors, carpet selection, the layout of my house, what I named my children, and a few other things that I have blocked from my mind. Every time she, or anyone else in Matt's family, informed me of something she didn't like I felt hurt. Now let me say she never told me that she didn't like me. She just said that some of my choices she didn't like. When she did like something, she let me know that too. She loved my yard and my flower beds and constantly approved of my selection of furniture. She also complimented me on my parenting. Why could I not forget that she didn't like my shirt?

Being raised an American, I grew up with the moral lesson from the movie Bambi. "If you can't say nuttin nice, don't say nuttin at all." Wise advice, Thumper. In my life I never said anything purposefully rude unless I wanted to be just that. Purposefully rude. So Matt's mom must be thinking the same thing. Right?

Fast forward to August, 2012. I now live in Germany. My only experience with Germans were my in-laws. I was nervous, but hopeful. I would give Germans a chance. My first experience with a German in Germany came the week we lived here. We live in housing on the American base. As we started up our government issued washing machine to do a load of laundry, I heard a POPPING sound come from deep in the washer. Water continued to fill the machine, and then went over the washing bin, and over the top onto our government issued floor. We quickly shut off the water main for the laundry room and put in an after-hours call to the repair service contracted to work on base. 

Knock knock. Our German repair man was there. 

First, he was very put out that he had to come over at 8:00 pm and he let us know that. Why couldn't our washing machine break during more respectable hours like 9:00 am to 12:30 pm or 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm, hours that many German businesses are open. He walked into our laundry room and as I described what happened he held up his hand and said, "Stop. This is your fault."

What?

He then went on to tell me that because I left the lid open on my washing machine, the water didn't shut off. 

Are you for real? The washing machine repair man doesn't know that washing machines have a load setting on them that tells them how much water to fill the bin with? What kind of repair man is this? He then informed me he wasn't a repair man, he was a plumber and he could do absolutely nothing but tell me I am an idiot for not knowing how to properly operate a washing machine. He then got one last comment in. As he walked out of our laundry room he turned and said, "You need to clean this up."

Thanks for the tip because I was just going to leave it and hope it evaporated.

After the repair man/NO repair man left, my husband just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Typical German." That is probably my worst experience with a German here. But here is a list of top complaints from non-Germans and Germans I know about things that have happened to them. At least Germans are equal opportunity offenders. 

1. Getting doors to shops slammed in their face as they try to enter and the shop wants to close.

2. People cutting in line. 

3. Accidentally dropping a piece of trash and getting yelled at for littering before you have a chance to pick it up.

4. Getting honked at if you wait at a green light longer than .08 seconds after it has turned from red.

5. Told they are being too loud.

6. Told they are taking up too much room in a walk way in a store.

7. Told they are taking too long at a cashier.

8. Told they don't know how to properly park.

I wanted to write an objective piece so I asked three Germans their opinions on if Germans were ruder than other nationalities. They all answered yes, followed by a but. 

One of the Germans who I asked grew up here in Germany, has lived here her whole life, but is married to an American. She told me a story of going to the store, asking if they had marzipan, and then the clerk telling her "I suppose we do," and then the clerk turned around and left. My German friend found this to be extremely rude. But she understood why the clerk did it.

One reason Germans are perceived to be rude is that they take things quite literal. If you ask a German "Do you know what time it is?" They will look at their watch and say "I do." After all, you didn't ask them to tell you what time it was.

Another reason Germans can be seen as rude is they feel it is their place to let you know you are messing up right then and there. Being too loud? You need to be quiet. Taking too long? You need to hurry up. Too fat? You need to lose some weight. Too skinny? You need to gain some. Some of my American friends find this bluntness too much. Others embrace it.

Take this German scenario: someone is being too loud in a movie theater. As soon as the German thinks that someone is being too loud, they turn around and tell them to be quiet. Can't that person see people are trying to watch a movie? The loud person will do one of two things.

1. They will say Entschuldigung, excuse me, and then be quiet, OR

2. They will say something close to Lassen Sie mich in Ruhe, leave me alone, and continue to be loud.

If scenario number one happens, all is well. If scenario number two happens, the German will throw up their hands in defeat and realize that the offender is beyond help and get up to find another seat. And that's the end of it.

Things don't escalate in Germany like I've seen them in America. Let's play this same scenario out in America. Someone is being loud in a theater. The American who thinks someone is being loud will usually sit there in silence, fuming, turning around giving "The Look," but it usually takes Americans being annoyed for awhile before they work up the nerve to confront someone. And the person being confronted? Will they say sorry or will they get confrontational themselves? Will we have ourselves a big ol' movie theater brawl? 

Back to Germany. Germans are not warm and fuzzy. Being born and bred in suburban America, I like my warm and fuzzy. I like small talk and chit chat with strangers. I like smiles. I like greetings. If you say "hi" to a German, they will stop and ask, "Do I know you?" Happened all the time to my husband when he lived in Berlin. I have found that some Americans here feel slighted if Germans don't go out of there way to make you feel welcome or liked. Are Americans such babies that we need to be coddled all the time? Like me, affirm me, shower me with kisses (I am guilty on this one, say you like my shirt!)

Another common complaint is lack of customer service. Our good friends lived in Japan before here and they said they experienced culture shock moving from a place where the people bent over backwards to help you out to a place where people didn't really care if you needed help or not. 

You wouldn't think that so many small differences would cause so much offense. We all are considered "Western Civilization," right? We all enjoy similar standards of life. Can't we all just get along? 

On the other side though, Matt's aunts and uncles who I met for the first time embraced me and my children like long lost family members, which I guess we really were. They were kind and accepting and excited to hear all about our time in Germany. 

I guess what it boils down to, is that it seems (to me) Germans are intolerant of ignorance. You can't use the phrase "I didn't know" to give you a free pass. If the German knows, you better know too. There is real rudeness, and then there is perceived rudeness which turns out to be nothing more than cultural differences most of the time. My mother-in-law wasn't being rude in the slightest (she thought) to me when she told me those things. People have always spoken their mind to her and she was just doing the same. I have a great relationship with my in-laws. They are amazing people who made a home and raised a family in a foreign country. Now if I could only get them to like my shirts.

What have your experiences been? Have you felt that people have been rude in your travels? Have you found one country or culture to be ruder than others? Let me know.

Stay tuned for tomorrow - Are Americans Rude(r)?

This blog is merely the opinion of one little American girl and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of all Americans or reflect the politeness of all Germans. This blog was not meant to be offensive, it was meant to be thought provoking. And of course, funny.