Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Unburdening Of 100 Things

I totally believe that imitation is the sincerest from of flattery. Tiffany, consider yourself flattered.
(I actually was going to write about visiting my husband in Florida for a week last month, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about that yet. To raw.)

Here are 100 random things about me that would not deserve a whole post.

1. I have lived my whole life in Utah.
2. But not if you count the seven weeks I lived and worked in Yellowstone National Park.
3. I don't count those seven weeks.
4. Sometimes I'm embarrassed about admitting I've lived here my whole life.
5. Sometimes I feel I need to up my coolness factor by telling people my parents are from California.
6. I have had seven cats in my life.
7. I sometimes hate my cat.
8. I will wear the same pair of jeans for three to four days before I wash them.
9. I wish I was closer to my brothers (in our relationships and geographically).
10. Scary movies scare the crap out of me. I walked out of Signs with Mel Gibson in the movie theater. Couldn't take it.
11. I got pulled over today.
12. For going 54 in a 40.
13. I didn't get a ticket.
14. I never thought I would love my husband as much as I do.
15. I talk to my mom or my dad every, single, day.
16. They are both two of my closest friends.
17. They got divorced when I was 13.
18. I have over 70 pairs of shoes.
19. I have things in my closet that I haven't worn for years. But I love them.
20. I have a skirt I bought in 1999 that I wear every couple of weeks. It has pleats.
21. I am much more of a 'granola' or 'tree-hugger' than I let on to be.
22. I would have moved to Kuwait with Matt if the Army would have let me.
23. I love indie music.
24. I have trashed the very nice, very expensive car Matt bought for me. Not on purpose though.
25. I have about ten book ideas floating around in my head.
26. When I laugh really hard no noise comes out.
27. I am 5'8".
28. I love being tall.
29. I am much more insecure than I let on.
30. I miss having long, light blonde hair.
31. I have green eyes.
32. I am the only one in my family of siblings, parents, and children to have green eyes.
33. I have a birthmark that looks exactly like a hickey on my neck.
34. I tried to have that birthmark removed a couple of years ago.
35. It now has a white ring around it. It's still there.
36. I've been married almost 15 years.
37. Matt and I have spent about a third of our marriage apart.
38. My left foot is a half size bigger than my right.
39. I get extremely lonely sometimes.
40. Sometimes I like being alone.
41. I wish I had finished my degree.
42. I am continually surprised how great my kids are.
43. They aren't nearly the handful that I was.
44. I want to tell people all the time all the wonderful things they are doing, but I don't want to seem like I'm bragging.
45. I had a crush on Matt for a month before we went on our first date.
46. I have been drinking Fresca like it's going out of style.
47. I never make my bed.
48. Neither do my kids.
49. My clothes in my closet are organized by color.
50. I have planted 15 trees in my yard since we moved in.
51. I said things in my youth to people that I have deeply regretted.
52. I wear sunscreen every day.
53. If I could change one thing about me it would be my freckles.
54. It breaks my heart when my kids complain about their freckles.
55. I still feel guilty about not knowing Aidan had pneumonia for ten days.
56. I used to want to be a nurse, then I realized I don't like sick people.
57. I wonder how different my life would have been if I had a sister.
58. I wish I was closer to Matt's sisters.
59. I didn't really have more than one close girlfriend until I was an adult.
60. I was teased a lot in middle school.
61. I would rather have my left foot cut off than relive middle school.
62. I had braces. Twice.
63. I was teased for being too skinny. And too smart. Bad combination.
64. I sometimes hate being the oldest in my family. 
65. I hate it when I run into neighbors and friends in the store. I'm usually a mess. They ask if I'm sick.
66. I believe I'm a better person because I'm a mother.
67. I wish I could slow down their childhoods.
68. It breaks my heart how much Matt has missed.
69. In giving gifts between the two of us, my husband gives better gifts than I do.
70. I miss living in the town I grew up in.
71. My mom still lives in the house she bought when I was three.
72. Sunrise is my favorite time of day.
73. One of my favorite things to do is hike.
74. I don't know what I will do if Matt gets transferred to somewhere without mountains.
75. It better be close to the ocean if there are no mountains.
76. See why I didn't want to move to Kansas?
77. I miss the house my grandparents lived in when I was little. You could watch the sun set into the ocean from the front yard.
78. It seemed like paradise to a six year old.
79. I used to exercise every day.
80. I haven't exercised in two months.
81. I think I might be depressed.
82. Or just lazy.
83. The character Jim on The Office reminds me of my little brother.
84. I am always changing my hairstyle.
85. I'm looking for that perfect one.
86. I don't think I've found it yet.
87. People have actually asked me who my oldest son's father is.
88. I think because he's so fair and Matt is so dark.
89. I used to answer "the mailman". Matt used to be a mailman.
90. I've never read any Harry Potter.
91. I read about eight books a month.
92. I take a bath every night before I go to bed.
93. Not to get clean, but to get warm.
94. I cry at the end of the movie '50 First Dates' every time I see it.
95. I am surprised I have as many friends as I do. Not on Facebook, but real friends.
96. I was a loner in high school.
97. I don't like to fly.
98. I love the rain.
99. I've had surgery 10 times.
100. I tell my husband everything.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I'm Now A What???

I was just informed by the news that I am no longer a Scorpio. I'm a Libra. A Libra. Two words. Bor-ring. I liked being a Scorpio. I like the mystique that went with it. I liked that whenever you read about Scorpios it tells you never to cross them. If they love you, they love you for life. If they don't love you, then they hate you. For life. Yep, that's me. The span for Scorpios used to be October 21 through November 22. It's now November 23 through November 29. How is it only six days long? And I only missed it by two days! I have some news for you astrologers, I am a Scorpio and I plan on staying a Scorpio. And that's that. I mean, I have to stay a Scorpio. What would I ever do with my Scorpio key chain that holds all the spares for our house?

So did you read about this? Apparently the earth is wobbling on it's axis like a drunk 19 year old at a frat party and this has caused all the signs to be off by at least a month. And the ancient Babylonians did away with the 13th sign, Ophiuchus so astrologers who want to get back to the true science of astrology (yeah, right) want to reintroduce Ophiuchus back into the game. Who the heck is this Ophiuchus and why does he think he deserves his own sign?

I actually did hear about this about three years ago on the Discovery Channel. I was watching a series called The Universe and one of the episodes was about how the astrological signs came to be. They said because of the change of the rotation of the earth that the sings were off by about a month.That was all fine and good. But nobody on that show told me that I was now a Libra. I don't mean any harm. One of my favorite people in the world is a Libra. He's so cute. But, it's just not for me. I. Am. A. Scorpio. Did you know that the most common sign for Presidents of the United States is Scorpio? I'm just saying.

This change shakes up things up a bit. I've supposedly changed. All my kids have slipped forward a sign. My husband Matt has stayed the same though. He's still a Leo. I could have told you that. Matt is a Leo through and through. What do I mean by that? Look up Leos, read the description. That is my husband.

So now when people ask me my sign, I will say "Well, I was born this date, but I'm really a Scorpio." And when they ask me how is that possible I will say in true Scorpio form as I stare them down "Because I said so."

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


This year for Christmas my son, Andre, asked for something that was a little different from the usual requests we get from our boys. We've done the Thomas the Tank Engine thing, the Lightning McQueen thing, Chevron Cars, and Star Wars toys. If it's out there and it falls under one of those brands, we've got it. That's why when Andre drew (he doesn't write well yet) his list I was a little surprised that it included the WWF Raw Wrestling Ring complete with realistic-action-punch action figures.

About three weeks before Christmas my kids were perusing the toy ads from all the local stores, circling their favorites, when Andre starting jumping up and down screaming that THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS!! I looked down in disbelief. This? Are you sure? Andre, where did you even see this? My disbelief then turned to disdain. I mean come on, wrestling? Professional wrestling with the masks and makeup and the idle threats of dismemberment? And that giant gold belt? One word. Yuck. (I apologize to any professional wrestlers or wrestler lovers in advance. You will not like this post.)

About two weeks before Christmas I had my kids list their wants in order of importance. The wrestling ring was always number one on Andre's list. I even dropped so low as to suggest if he only got one toy what would he want? The wrestling ring.

As you may have now guessed, I am personally not a fan of professional wrestling. Real wrestling, the kind done in high school where you wear protective head gear and there are real coaches and you can get scholarships for, go for it. But something happens to the sport of wrestling between that level and the professional level. Something not good.

One week before Christmas. We go to visit Santa. Andre sits on Santa's lap and is asked if he has been a good boy. 'Yes', Andre whispers. Then Santa proceeds to ask Andre what he wants for Christmas. 'Wrestling ring', Andre whispers again. Santa shoots me a quizzical look because he can barely understand him. 'A rustling wing?', Santa asks. 'No,' I answer. 'A wrestling ring. For toy wrestling guys to, you know, wrestle in?'. A gleam of understanding passes over Santa's face. 'Ahhh...wrestling ring. Well, Santa will have to make sure there is one under the tree Christmas morning'. That's just great. Thanks, Santa.

After the visit to Santa I realize that there is no way I'm going to get out of this. Why do I hate wrestling so much? I think it's trashy. I think it's cheap. I think it's fake. I think it's a bunch of muscle bound idiots hitting each other with folding chairs while wearing zipper masks. Not my cup of tea. 

I decide to suck it up and head to the store to purchase the great 'rustling wing'. As I walk down the crowded toy aisle I notice there is difference in the kind of children clustered around the wrestling toys rather than the educational aisle. In the educational aisle where there are toy microscopes and telescopes and books about science there are quiet children. Respectful children. These are the kind of children I want. In the wrestling aisle, it's complete chaos. Kids are taking the guys out of the packages and throwing them at each other while laughing hysterically. Parents are looking on, immune to the noise, while studying the backs of the action figures while I hear conversations like this. "This guy can punch with both arms. Johnny would like that more..." "Oh, there is no way I will buy this guy. He got the crap beat out of him at the last match..."  "Let's buy this guy. He looks scarier..."

At this point in the story you are probably thinking I am a snob. Or judgmental  Or that I have no right to decide what people who like professional wrestling are like. But let me ask you this. How many professional wrestlers have masters degrees? How many kids who like professional wrestling grow up to be surgeons? Hmmm? How many? Really. Because I have no idea. If you have this information please pass it on to me.

I pick up the wrestling ring from the shelf. Did I tell you that it has a button that when you press it it says a few choice phrases and real live sounds from the arena? You can practically smell the spandex and greasepaint. I select a few of the least scary and one-arm-punching guys to go with said wrestling ring and I head to the check out. The store is crowded. There are long lines. I feel like everyone has their eyes on me and my cart full of inappropriate wrestling toys. When I reach the cashier I place the toys face down on the conveyor belt. Why? I'm embarrassed. I can feel the man behind me with all his vegetables and books giving me the disapproving eye. Tsk, tsk, tsk he's thinking. I want to turn around. I want to say 'You don't understand! It's not for me! It's for a friend!' I feel like I'm buying cream that says for infectious lice or anal warts. The cashier scans my items. "Somebody likes wrestling!" She smiles at me. "Um, yeah. It's not me." I grab my packages and brisk walk out of the store.

Come Christmas Day it was the highlight of Andre's morning. He played with it all day. Well, mostly all day. That thing was a pain in the butt to put together. Where is Matt when I need him? I definitely think that assembling wrestling toys falls under the Daddy category.

So what does this all mean? Will Andre grow up and feel a need to put people in a headlock? Will he be drawn to wearing only shiny Speedos with knee high boots? And above all, will he have a mullet? I don't know. No one can see the future. But I'll tell you one thing. The second Andre starts scanning pay-per-view telling me that the match of the century is coming on, the wrestling toy is out the door.

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