It's A Heatwave In Germany

It's hot. It's like really hot. Hot for Germany, anyway. If you're used to like Dubai or Baghdad temps, you might not think it's that bad. I am not used to Dubai or Baghdad temps, so I am miserable. And it's not just Germany. The heat is all over Europe. I read an article about some feral cats that attacked a woman in France. Apparently you shouldn't mess with French cats. It would seem that officials speculated that these French cats attacked the woman because it's been so hot and so dry that the rodent population has considerably died off. I don't know how a cat goes from rodents to women, but it happened.

So how hot has it been?

And then it got even hotter.

These aren't the actual temperatures outside. But it is the temperature under the hood of my Volvo. My dark grey Volvo with black, leather interior. Yeah, what I thought was so cute and fashionable in car design last fall is looking like a big, fat mistake every time I leave the car with stitch marks burned on the backs of my thighs.

You might be thinking I am a big wimp. It's true. I am. You might also be thinking, 'Hey, didn't you grow up in the semi-desert-mountainous west of the United States where it can get really, really hot?'

Yes. I did. But the big difference between the semi-desert-mountainous west of the United States and Germany is one, minor detail. Air conditioning. Blessed, sweet, life sustaining air conditioning. My home was cooled with central air. When the wonderful temp of 75°F got to warm, we cranked the air conditioner down to 74. And not only did my home have air conditioning, every other place did too! Movie theaters - so air conditioned you had to bring a sweater! Grocery stores - air conditioned! Convenience stores - air conditioned! The local church - air conditioned! There was so much air conditioning going on that I am surprised we didn't just cool down the whole state to a more tolerable temperature.

Needless to point out, Germany does not embrace America's love of air conditioning.

I know that electricity and money and everything is different over here. But I think I've reached a point where I just don't care. I went to the local store yesterday and it was so warm in there that the Pfefferminz Rittersport (German peppermint flavored chocolate) candy bar I picked up was already melted and soft in the package! Argh! If no one will think of the poor, hot Germans, will you at least think about the chocolate?! Will someone PLEASE think of the chocolate?!

So what do we do, other than lick melted chocolate (hey, chocolate is chocolate, melted or not) out of a Rittersport package when it's hot? We set up our own version of central air.

Let me introduce you to the portable air conditioning unit and industrial size fan to blow it around the house. It has been so humid that we need to keep a condensation bin under the A/C unit. Not pretty, but it gets the job done.

Right now I am begging for cooler temps and rain.

It seems that I will get my wish.

PS - Remember back in the spring when I was complaining about how much rain we were getting? Read about that HERE. My how the tide has turned. Seems I begged for too much sun back then.

Unfunny Germans

I live on an American Army base in Germany. I loathe it. What is the fun of living in a foreign country when you are surrounded by other Americans? I do however get a chance to interact with Germans on a daily basis. The section of the base that I live on is guarded, but not by American personnel. It's guarded by a German security firm so every time I drive to my house I have to stop and talk to these German security guards. Down in Heidelberg, I didn't make much of an effort to get to know these guards. They were faceless Germans dressed in a uniform. Upon our move to Wiesbaden, I vowed to be more friendly. With all the driving around I have been doing I have been entering the same gate close to five times a day. And every day the same guard with the nice smile is there. And because I have Heidelberg plates on my car he always says "Welcome to Wiesbaden," with that smile.

I decided to be friendly. After handing my ID and going through the retinal scan, fingerprinting, and DNA analysis that is required to get on base, I struck up a little conversation.

Me - "So, are you like, always here?" Joking tone of voice with a smile.

German Guard as the smile leaves his face - "No, I'm not always here..."

Me with a bigger smile and more joking in voice - "No, I mean it just always seems like you are here when I drive through so I kinda thought you might live in the guard shack."

German Guard with no smile now and with much uncertainty in his voice - "No, they don't make me live in the guard shack. I have a home."

This is the look he was giving me (just substitute the suit with a guard uniform).

I should have just stopped there. I should have taken my ID and driven through the check point and scuttled my little way back to my home. Did I do this? No. I was intent on making sure this German guard knew I was being friendly and was doing this by being jokey.

Me - "No!" as I laugh. "I know you don't live in the guard shack. It just seems you work a lot. Maybe I only drive through on days you work. Maybe we're on the same 'schedule' or something." I'm trying really hard to smile and steer this train wreck into something resembling a friendly connection.

German Guard - "Um... same schedule? Well, I work three days on then two days off so if you drive through on those days, yes, I will be here. But I don't think residents have schedules that they have to follow about when they can come on base..."



This is going nowhere fast and I now have a line of cars waiting behind me so I say "Thanks," and drive off. Much to the relief of this German guard. So what went wrong? I will tell you what I forgot:

I read an article once that said Germans were voted worldwide the least funny people. Anywhere. Of course, Americans were voted the funniest. And no, it's not an European thing. With all the traveling we have done, we have come across some funny people. There was the waitress in Paris that didn't speak any English and to tell us what was beef on the menu she would moo and laugh hysterically along with us. There was the old Austrian lady who could only say 'hello' until we taught her 'good morning' and she said it every time of day while she laughed because she knew it wasn't morning. There were the Swedes in the Volvo dealership who joked right along with our American group of car buyers. So what is it with these Germans?

(And do I even have to point out that I didn't go through that guard post for the next two days I was so embarrassed. I saw the guard stare at the back of my car in total confusion while I drove away. Oh great. I am now the "crazy American lady who thinks he lives in the guard station." What a great way to be friendly.)

It's true that Germans are a hard working people. But does hard work equal no sense on humor? Doesn't the guard know that upon me saying "It seems like you are always here," that he should have said "It sure feels like I am always here. Maybe I should move into the shack and cut down on my commute time." And then I would say, "Hey! There's an idea! You could spruce it up with some throw pillows!" And then we would both chuckle and say "Have a nice day," and be content that we were funny and should share that funniness with another human.

Maybe there just aren't any funny Germans out there.

I looked up laughing Germans and funny Germans and this is what I found. Mostly pictures of people in traditional Bavarian dress drinking beer while laughing. So if I was to go with what I found on the internet, to make a German laugh I have to get them drunk. Alright. Maybe I will drive through again and try the same exchange with the guard but offer him a beer first to loosen him up.

But I doubt it would work. I'd probably get a look like this. So serious it's written on his face.

(This is an actual German. Do you see what I'm dealing with?)

I just want to say thank you to all the people who jumped to the defense of the German people by telling me that they know a funny German. I do know that there are funny Germans out there. I've actually met some. When I wrote this post I was just highlighting a difficult moment I had with one person. I decided to use this one moment to write about something that is talked about, how the German people have a different sense of humor. I hope everyone knows that I wrote this post in good fun (I'm an American after all, isn't everything supposed to be fun?) and meant no harm. Thanks!


5 May 2014 - Second addition - I just want to reiterate that I know there are funny German people out there. The reason I wrote about this was I was just trying to highlight how embarrassed I actually was (and still am when I see this guard). I know not everyone gets sarcasm and irony and such. Luckily, we have a wide assortment of German guards that I can joke with! I hope any German people who read this realize this was all written in jest. After all, some of my very favorite people are German. And quite funny!

No Love For Germany (Or For The Ex-pat)

We are off exploring Denmark, Sweden, Estonia, and Russia right now. Enjoy this post in my absence. See you back on July 8th when I can tell you about it. (I am currently interested in finding bloggers who would like to post on my blog when I am off exploring every country in Europe. Are you an ex-pat or travel blogger? Would you like to guest post every now and then while I am gone? Email me or leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you!)

I am feeling quite frustrated right now. I had no idea when I moved to Germany what I would be missing out on. Things that I totally took for granted when I lived on American soil.

Let's start with the television show The Office. I LOVE this show. My brother is exactly like Jim. Looks like him, talks like him, makes the same funny faces as him. And Jim is a pretty funny guy. I used to DVR the show and look forward to Thursday night when I could put my kids to bed and stay up with a pint of pear flavored ice cream (it's delicious) and watch The Office. Can't do that here. First, I don't have a DVR. Second, I can't find any stinking NBC to watch in the mix of German channels we get. Then I saw that NBC had an app for the iPad where you could watch your shows. I shouted in glee. Downloaded the app. Sat waiting in pure anticipation. And then this popped up on my screen.

What? Why can't I watch The Office in Germany? Why is Jim's humor, Pam's wit, and Dwight's schemes available only to people in the States? Don't they know that the writing of The Office could unite the world into a more peaceful and loving place? But NO. The Office has been placed in an unreachable nirvana to me. And now I have some crappy, useless NBC app on my iPad that mocks me every day.

But it doesn't end there. I read MSN and NBC news quite often, and I really enjoy funny clips that are usually attached to these articles. Guess what? Can't watch those either.

 

My friend emailed me and told me that I had to watch this hysterical video of sailors dancing to this Gangnam Style song. We weren't listening to German radio at the time (too many F words) so we had no idea what this song was. We pulled up You Tube and searched for it. And this is what we saw.

Yeah, right you're sorry. Now I'm just feeling picked on and left out. It's like there is this cool kids club that has all these inside jokes and neat places they go. And I catch snippets about how funny these things and awesome these places are. I try to follow these cool kids, but I get lost in the woods. Or in Germany's dang GEMA rights blahblahblah stuff. Doesn't anybody out there realize how unfunny the German people are? These people need sailors dancing to Gangnam Style. They need Jerry Seinfeld. Desperately!

 

It doesn't end there. My two teenaged children live and die by the clothes they wear. So obviously Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch are staples around my house. They can be really expensive clothes. These brands are available to people here in Germany, but at full price in Euros at the mall. I snickered to myself. I had a way around that full price monster. I am on the email list to get 30% off coupons sent to me every couple of weeks. I would get that coupon, go to the website clearance section, and load up on these name-brand clothes for my kids. At least that is what I used to do. Imagine my surprise the first time I tried to enter the coupon at the check out and this is what I saw.

 



Are you kidding me?! All I want to do is buy my kids some stupid trendy clothes at discount prices and now I can't! Doesn't anybody know how expensive stuff is in Europe? We have to have discounts. We have to have coupons! For the love of all that is good, will someone please come to their senses and make these things available in Germany!

 



And just to add insult to injury, ever since I put my current city on Facebook as Heidelberg, I am besieged by ads in German. Slutty, lingerie ads a lot of the time. I get that Facebook is a multi-billion dollar company and they want to keep it free for their users so they have to put ads on there. But with all the things that Facebook is trying to do to make it easier for their customers, don't you think they could look at the language I post in and, I don't know, maybe put ads in that same freaking language? Hmmm? Just a suggestion from me to you, Facebook. If you ever want me to click on the those annoying side bar ads, make sure I can read them first.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my mini-tantrum.

 

Peace out,

 

Kelly

What things have you found worked differently for you since moving abroad?

 

 

PS Even if you are not an expat or travel blogger, but you can write a post that is relatable to my content, I would love to have a guest post from you. After all the discrimination I wrote about above, I really can't be discriminating myself, can I?