Saarburg And Hangin' With The German Family - Germany

We recently traveled over to the little town of Saarburg, located near Trier in the Rhineland-Palatinate state of Germany.

Did you know that Germany has states? We used to live in Baden-Württemburg, now we live in Hessen. The state names seem to be much more of a mouthful than the state names in America, though. I mean really, Rhineland-Palatinate? Baden-Württemburg? Or how about Nordrhein-Westfalen? Or my favorite, Mecklenburg-Vorpommern? Back in America, you couldn't even get people to call California by its full name, it is often shortened to Cali (which I hate). Imagine cramming the state names of Germany into a song like we sing in America about our states. I don't see it happening.

Anywho, we went to Saarburg for one, to see it, and for two, to visit Matt's German Cousin, German Cousin's Wife, German Cousin's Daughter, and German Cousin's Son. German Cousin was really the only one that could speak English. German Cousin's Wife, German Cousin's Daughter, and German Cousin's Son could speak "a little" English and since we can speak kleine Deutsch we had a hard time communicating. So we turned to the international language of Fußball and food to communicate.

My daughter, Ashlenne, and German Cousin's Daughter were reluctant to try to use their language skills. So they reverted to a language every teenage girl knows. iPod's and Google translate.

Matt and German Cousin may have grown up on separate continents, but they have always been close. They laughed the same and had the same mannerisms. They even wore matching shirts.

 

The actual meeting of German Cousin was a little awkward for me. It was the first time in Europe that I got the "Two Cheek Kiss Greeting." And I was not expecting it. I was better prepared when we left, offering my own "Two Cheek Kiss Goodbye." I felt so European.

After lunch we went exploring the town of Saarburg. We climbed the 1,050 year old castle tower (it has been reinforced since then).

Climbing the tower gave us great views of the town of Saarburg.

German Cousin told us that Saarburg is known as the "Venice of Germany" because of the canals that run through it. You tell me, does it look like Venice?

We stopped and got some Spaghetti Eis which is vanilla ice cream squeezed out to make it into long noodle shapes and then topped with strawberry sauce and shaved white chocolate. It is really good.

I tested German Cousin and tried out my sense of humor on him. Don't worry, he laughed. You were right blogosphere. There are some funny Germans out there.

We rode a chairlift to the top of a nearby hill. Our doggie, Minkie, even rode with us. And she didn't even try to jump off once.

We played and relaxed at the top of the hill. 

That beer is Minkie's, not Alexander's. See how tipsy she is?

Then we hiked back down the hill through the vineyards of Riesling grapes that cover the hillsides.

All in all, it was a pretty good day in Saarburg.

When we got home, I checked another little corner of Europe off my list.

Unfunny Germans

I live on an American Army base in Germany. I loathe it. What is the fun of living in a foreign country when you are surrounded by other Americans? I do however get a chance to interact with Germans on a daily basis. The section of the base that I live on is guarded, but not by American personnel. It's guarded by a German security firm so every time I drive to my house I have to stop and talk to these German security guards. Down in Heidelberg, I didn't make much of an effort to get to know these guards. They were faceless Germans dressed in a uniform. Upon our move to Wiesbaden, I vowed to be more friendly. With all the driving around I have been doing I have been entering the same gate close to five times a day. And every day the same guard with the nice smile is there. And because I have Heidelberg plates on my car he always says "Welcome to Wiesbaden," with that smile.

I decided to be friendly. After handing my ID and going through the retinal scan, fingerprinting, and DNA analysis that is required to get on base, I struck up a little conversation.

Me - "So, are you like, always here?" Joking tone of voice with a smile.

German Guard as the smile leaves his face - "No, I'm not always here..."

Me with a bigger smile and more joking in voice - "No, I mean it just always seems like you are here when I drive through so I kinda thought you might live in the guard shack."

German Guard with no smile now and with much uncertainty in his voice - "No, they don't make me live in the guard shack. I have a home."

This is the look he was giving me (just substitute the suit with a guard uniform).

I should have just stopped there. I should have taken my ID and driven through the check point and scuttled my little way back to my home. Did I do this? No. I was intent on making sure this German guard knew I was being friendly and was doing this by being jokey.

Me - "No!" as I laugh. "I know you don't live in the guard shack. It just seems you work a lot. Maybe I only drive through on days you work. Maybe we're on the same 'schedule' or something." I'm trying really hard to smile and steer this train wreck into something resembling a friendly connection.

German Guard - "Um... same schedule? Well, I work three days on then two days off so if you drive through on those days, yes, I will be here. But I don't think residents have schedules that they have to follow about when they can come on base..."



This is going nowhere fast and I now have a line of cars waiting behind me so I say "Thanks," and drive off. Much to the relief of this German guard. So what went wrong? I will tell you what I forgot:

I read an article once that said Germans were voted worldwide the least funny people. Anywhere. Of course, Americans were voted the funniest. And no, it's not an European thing. With all the traveling we have done, we have come across some funny people. There was the waitress in Paris that didn't speak any English and to tell us what was beef on the menu she would moo and laugh hysterically along with us. There was the old Austrian lady who could only say 'hello' until we taught her 'good morning' and she said it every time of day while she laughed because she knew it wasn't morning. There were the Swedes in the Volvo dealership who joked right along with our American group of car buyers. So what is it with these Germans?

(And do I even have to point out that I didn't go through that guard post for the next two days I was so embarrassed. I saw the guard stare at the back of my car in total confusion while I drove away. Oh great. I am now the "crazy American lady who thinks he lives in the guard station." What a great way to be friendly.)

It's true that Germans are a hard working people. But does hard work equal no sense on humor? Doesn't the guard know that upon me saying "It seems like you are always here," that he should have said "It sure feels like I am always here. Maybe I should move into the shack and cut down on my commute time." And then I would say, "Hey! There's an idea! You could spruce it up with some throw pillows!" And then we would both chuckle and say "Have a nice day," and be content that we were funny and should share that funniness with another human.

Maybe there just aren't any funny Germans out there.

I looked up laughing Germans and funny Germans and this is what I found. Mostly pictures of people in traditional Bavarian dress drinking beer while laughing. So if I was to go with what I found on the internet, to make a German laugh I have to get them drunk. Alright. Maybe I will drive through again and try the same exchange with the guard but offer him a beer first to loosen him up.

But I doubt it would work. I'd probably get a look like this. So serious it's written on his face.

(This is an actual German. Do you see what I'm dealing with?)

I just want to say thank you to all the people who jumped to the defense of the German people by telling me that they know a funny German. I do know that there are funny Germans out there. I've actually met some. When I wrote this post I was just highlighting a difficult moment I had with one person. I decided to use this one moment to write about something that is talked about, how the German people have a different sense of humor. I hope everyone knows that I wrote this post in good fun (I'm an American after all, isn't everything supposed to be fun?) and meant no harm. Thanks!


5 May 2014 - Second addition - I just want to reiterate that I know there are funny German people out there. The reason I wrote about this was I was just trying to highlight how embarrassed I actually was (and still am when I see this guard). I know not everyone gets sarcasm and irony and such. Luckily, we have a wide assortment of German guards that I can joke with! I hope any German people who read this realize this was all written in jest. After all, some of my very favorite people are German. And quite funny!

Naked Ladies And Bad Words, Just Another Day In Europe

Before moving to Germany my sweet German mother-in-law warned me that things in Europe were not the same as they were in the States. "How so?" I asked. 

"Well..." she struggled to answer. "They don't have the same, standards I will say, when it comes to what is acceptable on television or advertising or shown on news stands." Hmm... whatever could she mean? 

A few weeks after arriving here, we were listening to a local German radio station. The radio stations here play English songs about 75% of the time. We were driving along, listening to the radio announcer ramble away in German when the song started. And it started a little something like this- "What's my mother f***ing name! What's my mother f***ing name!" 

Hello...

Upon hearing this my kids said "Mom! How could you listen to that!" Apparently it's my fault for not being able to see into the future and know what song is going to start. We have come to find out that there is no such thing as the "radio edit" here in Germany. The kids will be listening to a song that they completely enjoyed back in the States. A song that they had no idea dropped the F bomb or was peppered with the S word. Not to call anyone out, but Black Eyed Peas, I'm looking your way...

When we go and play at the park it seems an impromptu game of Fußball always breaks out. When the German kids realize my children are American, there always seems to be an uptick in the number of F words that are said by the German kids when goals are missed or passes are incomplete. You might be wondering what the big deal is. We're a military family, how rare could these words be? Pretty rare at our house actually. Matt and I don't speak like that. Gosh and darn and heck usually are as colorful as we get. When we're really bugged freaking or effing have been known to slip out. I know! We really cut loose. 

Not only do we hear these words, we see them on advertising posters. On our recent trip to Berlin, the U-Bahn stations all had signs with the F word. I have no idea what they were advertising. My favorite one said "Sh** Happens." It would seem sh** happens is a universal epithet crossing culture and language boundaries. We all know it's true. Sh** does happen. Why do we need a sign telling us though? I would have taken a picture, but I didn't to keep this blog firmly situated with a PG rating. And I know I would never hear the end of it from my kids if I actually typed out a swear word.

Not only do we hear more colorful language, we see much more of the human body. Mostly the female human body. Television programming isn't much of a problem. We get a special cable package put together especially for American ex-pats in Germany called TKS. The kids get their Disney and Nickelodeon craptacular shows and it keeps most of the skin to the much later hours. It's driving out and about that we get a little peep show. We recently passed a semi-truck that had woman from behind totally naked on the sides. Oh wait, I'm sorry. She wasn't fully naked, she was wearing a g-string made of dental floss. So she was nekkid.

When we drove to Austria last time we stopped in a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Right up there on the racks with all the gossip rags were the nudey magazines. Nipples galore on the covers. I completely ignored them, hoping my kids would do the same. Luckily, the nudey magazines seem to only be in gas stations out on long stretches of the Autobahn, not in towns. I've noticed that most of the vehicles stopped in these nudey-magazine-offering stations seem to be semi-trucks. It must get lonely on those long European roads. They could always just take a look at the sides of each other's trucks though.

After almost a year here, the swear words and occasional naked ladies have become just part of the background noise of Europe. We've just learned to walk right by. Except for Andre, my 8 year old. He never misses an opportunity to point out the lack of clothes or when he sees a swear word. "Mom! Did you see that?!"

"Yep. Sure did." The less of a reaction the better I think. After all, it's just another day in Europe.

Tchüss,

Kelly

What do you think? Do you think Americans are prudes? What would you tell your children?

Things You Just Won't Understand If You Have Not Lived In Germany

My son just brought his yearbook from the American high school home and it had this funny list of things in it. I have been emailed a similar list by people a couple of times and have seen it floating around the web here and there. We all had a good chuckle over it so I decided to share it with you. 

1. Ausfahrt isn't funny anymore.

2. You appreciate when the car behind you or next to you gives you half an inch of space.

3. Two hours for dinner is "fast food."

4. You judge mustard by how well it opens your sinuses.

5. Jumping across the border for the day is no big deal.

6. You no longer need Google Translate at the grocery store.

7. You think family pictures taken at the castle are so cliché.

8. You forgot how to use round doorknobs.

9. You forget how to flush a toilet that doesn't have a push button.

10. Even 90 MPH seems really, really slow.

11. You no longer think it is strange that beer and water are the same price.

12. Even at home, you no longer put ice in your drinks.

13. You never go into a store without a shopping bag.

14. You NEVER shop the day before a German holiday.

15. You never let your front door close behind you without your keys in your pocket.

16. You think anything with chocolate sounds like a good breakfast.

17. You answer the phone "Hallo."

18. You need a power drill and sledgehammer to hang a picture on your wall.

19. You rig you lawnmower and vacuum cleaner to give you shocks if you try to use them on a Sunday.

20. You no longer even want ketchup for your fries.

21. Christmas is incomplete without Gluhwein at a castle.

22. You sing Tchüss instead of saying good-bye.

23. You say Bitte and Danke.

24. You wonder how you ever lived without Rolladens.

25. You wear a scarf every single day... even in the summer.

26. You own shoes just for walking.

27. And, last but not least, you have muttered at least once "Dang Americans" when out in town.

Tchüss,

Kelly

What makes the place where you live original? What wouldn't people understand about it? Share a little!

How To Be A German

I recently read a funny article about How to be a German in 20 easy steps, and I laughed... and I laughed some more. Read part 2 and part 3 for even more laughs. There are actually 25 steps now and they say there are more coming. The author of the blog, one hipster named Adam Fletcher, asks if there is anything he has forgotten. Having spent the last 10 months in Germany I have picked up a few things that aren't on the list that I think you need to do, or be, or complete to fully immerse yourself in Germanyness (yes, Germanyness is a real word). In no order of importance here is my list-


1. Wear a scarf. Every day. Everywhere.  When we got to Germany I realized that I was not alone in my love of the scarf. Women wore them around their necks, around their pony-tails, around their waists. And stop right now if you think the scarf is reserved for merely neck warming and cold weather. The scarf is seen adorning the necks of women even in 90F°/32C° weather. It would seem German women have shy collarbones because you never, ever see them. And wait! It gets better. The scarf crosses gender boundaries! Back in the States, male scarf wearing was confined to heavy-wool-coat ensembles and they were always dark in color and lacking fringe. Not here. German men let their freak flag fly with scarves draped around their necks. My favorite "German outfit" which can be seen on the 18-25 year old male German is cut-off shorts, tank top, and then a very "fringey" scarf  loosely draped around those sacred collar bones which must be hidden from view.


2. Have a garden. Germans love their flowers. Flower and bush nurseries dot the outskirts of villages. Hours and hours are spent obtaining a perfection that seems to border on obsessive compulsive. Ask an American who has lived in Germany if they have ever seen a German sweep their dirt in their yard. Not sweep the dirt from the yard, but actually sweep the dirt so it gets all nice and smooth and even. And just because you live in an apartment is no reason why you can't do your part to beautify Germany. In these same village outskirts you will see parcels of land with little shacks on them and beautifully maintained gardens. At first I thought they were the shanty towns of Germany. No, these are the city dweller weekend gardens where they escape to have the opportunity to plunge trowel into German soil.




3. Love dogs. Their owners on the other hand? Not so much. Germany has to be one of the most dog friendly cultures I have ever lived in. Your dog can join you in the mall. There is nothing like shopping at Karstadt and have the woof of a Labrador Retriever echo out in the stores. You can take your little doggy with you into restaurants too. If you have a cute and good dog, most Germans will approach your dog and rub their head and lavish praise upon the dog. I will never forget when I had two German repairmen in my apartment who were looking at me with thinly veiled contempt. My dog Minkie bounded into the room and started licking their hands (traitor dog). They changed in an instant into happy and friendly people. "Du bist ein gut Hund!" Or you are a good dog. They scratched her, loved her, let her lick their faces, and practically rolled around on the floor with her for about five minutes before I had to break it up. As soon as Minkie left, thinly veiled contempt was back.


4. Don't care about other peoples problems. Many a time I have heard the wail of people here, American and German alike, about the lack of customer service. I am not saying that Germans don't care about people, like if you were on fire they would probably put you out. But let us say something broke and you are trying to return it to the store, or a shop is closing right as you need to run in just to grab some milk and could they please just let you in for just a second. Good luck.

5. Go out to eat and stay the whole night. To go out to a popular restaurant in Germany you are probably going to need your table to be reserviert, or reserved. There really is no need to put a time down because the table is basically yours the whole night. Want to eat at 9:00 at night? No problem because your table is reserviert and you can show up whenever you want. Or do you want to go early, and then never leave? You can do that too. In fact, that is mostly what we see. Matt and I went out to dinner at a cute little restaurant in the next town over. After eating and enjoying our drinks we looked at all the other patrons. Just as we were getting ready to leave, they were ordering after dinner drinks and talking and laughing and looking like they were just settling in after being there for almost three hours. Going out to dinner isn't something you fit in between weekend activities here. It is the weekend activity.


6. Never wash your car on Sunday. But somehow, always have a clean car. There is a law in Germany that makes Sunday car washing illegal. And through word of mouth I have heard that if you decide to bend the rules (break the law actually) and try to wash your car, the public shame is right up there with crossing the street on a red or dissing sauerkraut. You just don't do it. About 95% of Germany drives a black or dark grey Volkswagen, Audi, BMW, or Mercedes. And they always look clean. As in right off the show room floor clean. How do they do it? You know what my German/American husband would say? Something about the superiority of German engineering, even their dirt and how they have designed it not to stick to cars. Where can I get some of this non-sticking dirt because my car is always filthy.

7. Complain about the graffiti. But claim that it was all done by immigrants.













8. Go to the grocery store every day. And then the bakery. And then produce stand. And then the butcher. A typical German kitchen and refrigerator are quite small by American standards so there is no "stocking up" on items. You buy what you need for that day, maybe a little for the next and then that's it. And you go back tomorrow.











9. Claim to speak only a little English. And then proceed to speak in better English than the native English speaker who asked you. Germany has high rates of people who fluently speak English as a second language. And they speak it well. I have met some Germans who I have known spoke pretty good English in the past, yet they refuse to speak to me because they might be a little rusty. I told them that I could guarantee them that their English was gazillion times better than my German, so come on! Let that English fly! One girl claimed that she never really learned and then in a heated discussion she piped in and I pointed at her, "Ah-ha! You do speak English!" 

10. Celebrate every holiday by not going to work. And then also celebrate the day after too. And maybe even the day before. We are wrapping up the spring holidays in Germany right now that center around Christ. Easter, Ascension, Pentecost. And also May Day (German Labor Day), Muttertag, and Vatertag (German Mother's Day and Father's Day). It seems these people hardly work. Germany is a place of industry and I know things get done around here. But with the number of days people get off, it amazes me. And they don't take one day, they take like three. And everything shuts down. I guess they really are the model for efficiency with the amount of things they get done in the amount of time they work. The holidays make for nice driving though. The streets are empty.

11. Drive really well. Germans are known for their love of their cars. And for a place to really get out and drive those cars, the Autobahn. But you can't just drive around Germany like any 16-year-old-freshly-minted bonehead. You had better know your stuff, as in you had better know the rules. Like every other car when merging. Like use your blinker every time. Like get out of the left lane for passing cars. I actually really love driving here because people don't mess around. I feel a lot safer here going 160 km (100 mph) on the autobahn than I did back in the States with all those other idiots doing 65 mph. 







12. Wear only black. And for just a little variety dark blue jeans, grey, and brown. And for when you are feeling a little crazy... wait for it... Tan! Build your very limited but very expensive wardrobe around these colors and you will blend right into the German population. And to look even more German, have a slightly annoyed look on your face. Unless you are sitting all night at your favorite restaurant or petting a dog.










There is my list of How To Be A German. And in only 12 steps! Have I forgotten anything?

Tchüß,

Kelly*

*Is secretly really pleased when mistaken for a real German and not the poser impostor she feels like most of the time.