Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Vampires Suck

I just want to warn you. Be careful when you go outside because pigs flew today. And I also let my pre-teen daughter watch, GASP, the movie Twilight. I always said that the two would coincide so there must be flying pigs out there somewhere because my resolve finally broke down.

I have been hearing for two years now that all she needs in this world to make her happy would be to watch this movie. And/Or read the book. Um, nope and nope. I told her the last thing she needed on her then 8-year-old plate was watching movies dealing with the drama of teen love. And not just any teen love. Teen love with a blood sucking creature of the night.

The movie left the theaters and went to video. She asked more. She was, after all, now nine years old. Nine is so much older than eight don't you know. I stayed strong. No, no, no. To which she asked why, why, why. I replied because, because, because.

Then she brought out the big artillery. She started telling me about all the people and small children that she knew who had seen the movie. Her friends had all seen it multiple times and read the books. Her friend's little sister had also seen it. Heck, the four year old down the street saw it. This just intensified my desire to keep my home Twilight free.

I guess my aversion to Twilight began before the movie ever came out. I was at my son's soccer game when a person that is merely an acquaintance informed me that she had just read the best book in the whole wide world!!! I would describe myself as an avid reader so I must say that I was a little interested to hear what the best book in the world was. When she told me it was a book about vampires, I was immediately turned off. I did the whole vampire thing back in the early, early 90's. Interview With A Vampire and The Vampire Lestast books. The vampire movie starring Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt that my friend Cherity and I snuck Chinese food into. Just a side note. Do not eat ham fried rice while blood is being sprayed across the screen. Not very appetizing. I was way over it. Vampires were a thing of my youth, or at least my early adulthood. I told her no thanks. She took my no as a chance to try and convince me more by telling me how GREAT it was. She wasn't a reader, yet she couldn't put this down. I kept telling her I wasn't interested to which she came back with I just have-have-have to read it! I had to get mean. I informed her I liked to read things with substance. I was in the middle of East Of Eden by John Steinbeck. I had just finished Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I was also reading Ulysses. This person then told me she didn't know any of those books but she would bet they weren't as good as Twilight. I then told her I didn't read crap (which isn't true, I've read a lot of crap). She got the point.

This single event began a period in my life that I will refer to as the "GREAT TWILIGHT PERSUASION". Everyone began telling me that they read this great book and they knew I would love it. I would immediately hold up my hand and say STOP! If the words vampire or Twilight leave your lips I will lose it right here and now (imagine my voice reaching a crescendo). At the beginning I had many who fought the good fight with me. They were as anti-Twilight as I was. But then the worst happened. They began to fall.

I would be on the phone with a friend and the conversation would turn to books and they would whisper they had not only read Twilight, but they had read all four of them and they loved them. Now that it was out of the bag they could openly embrace Twilight in my presence. They put stickers on their cars and phones. They gushed about Jacob's muscles and Edward's chivalry. They dissected the plot and talked about the choices Bella made to which I screamed she didn't make any choices! She's a shallow one-dimensional character! Somehow my friends and I made it through the great divide and we are still speaking to each other. But not about vampires.

Back to present day. My daughter is almost 11 and has been working her little tush off at school and practicing the violin. I decided this deserved a reward and the reward would be giving her what she has built up in her mind to be the pinnacle of her pre-teen years. Watching Twilight.

I saved it on the DVR. I bought popcorn. We got Panda Express takeout. What is it with me and having Chinese food and watching vampire movies? I guess I got it in my head they went together. We popped popcorn and nibbled M&M's. And we watched. Now hold your breath. It wasn't half bad. I'm not talking Oscar worthy or anything but I was entertained. And it was fairly mild for PG-13. After it was over I kept saying that was it? That was what all my mid-30's (and sometimes older) friends got themselves in a tizzy about? Edward wasn't that chivalrous. In fact, he was kind of a jerk. One minute he couldn't stay away from her and the next he's pushing her away saying she isn't good for him. And then in the second one, New Moon, he tells her she's his life and then leaves her! Not very nice Edward.

Ashlenne loved it. She was happy so I was happy. And hey, I think she learned something. Don't fall in love with a vampire. It's nothing but trouble and heartbreak and then they leave you high and dry and depressed. Like I said. Vampires suck, big time.


  1. Heres my review. First off, I have to say that I didn't want to read the Twilight series, but it came to the point where I felt I had to because the majority of my friends and hubby had read it, so I did.
    I was really not impressed with the author's style of writing. I think her descriptions and characters could have been written better. With that said, I thought the story line was unusual and was able to hold my interest. She definitely wrote teenagers well. So WHINY and ANNOYING.

    I love how you held off for so long! We did the same with our kids..well the only one that really wanted to watch it was Maia, of course. She giggled during a few scenes.. I'm scared for her to hit the teens! Maybe I'll ship her to Europe!

  2. I can apprecaite the whole "Twilight thing" as entertainment, nothing more. All the hype over it puts a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

    I read the books and enjoyed them, I watched the movies and chuckled my way through them, but I'm more likely to sigh over Mr. Darcy than Edward or Jacob. :)

  3. I think this post was more entertaining than any of the Twilight movies I've seen.

  4. This post was so funny! I have to agree that the movies aren't all that great, but they are definitely entertaining. What a fun mommy daughter night- one that she will always remember!


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